My Crisis of Faith
“I am the Lord who heals you.” Exodus 15:26
So, this is going to be a bit of a departure for me. I have no problem writing candidly about things I have struggled with in the past, but to write about something I am currently wrestling with is another thing entirely. It feels…vulnerable, raw and just a little too close for comfort. However, this is what God is telling me to write, so here goes…
I have felt drawn to the gift of healing for a long time. In fact, I have personally prayed for and seen God accomplish several miraculous healings that were unexplainable other than to say, “God did it.” That is the realm of reality I am drawn to and of which I want to see more. I began praying many years ago that God would fill my heart with His desires and this is one of the most fervent desires of my heart now. Did He put that desire there? I have to believe so. However, some of the things I wrestle with are:
· If this is God’s desire for my life, why don’t my prayers for healing seem to be effective very often?
· What is my real motivation? Is it just to see healings happen, or to truly help those for whom I pray?
· Am I at risk of trying to take the glory for myself instead of giving it all to God?
· What is going on in me that is interfering with the effectiveness of my prayers?
· What do I lack?
· Do I have too little faith?
· I know God is able…He has done it before…why doesn’t it happen when He knows it is so important to me and to so many others?
· Is there unconfessed sin or something else in my life that is getting in the way?
· Is it just a “timing” thing for God, or a test for me?
These are just a few highlights of the many things I have wrestled with, questioned God about, and prayed over. And I am still in the midst of it. I don’t have any answers for you, but what I do have is faith in the One who is able. I believe that God loves us unconditionally and always has His reasons for everything, even though I can’t always know why. His ways truly are higher than our ways, and as much as it hurts and disappoints us, sometimes our answer is “no” or “wait…” even when time has run out. If I had a dollar for every tear I have shed over this issue, I would be a millionaire.
I have listened and watched as a few modern-day faith-healers prayed…and I have to admit, there are a few that raised my eyebrows more than my hopes. I heard Todd White (no relation) talk about this same thing I am experiencing…he prayed every day for over six months for people to be healed with no results…THAT takes some faith! Then one day at work while he was talking to a man, God whispered a word of knowledge to him that the man had a specific physical ailment. Todd asked him about it and he confirmed it was true. When he prayed, God instantaneously healed that man of his affliction. That set Todd on the road to his current ministry. So…maybe I am supposed to wait for God to tell me when He wants me to pray for someone to be healed? That doesn’t exactly feel right either…so I will just keep praying in faith, trusting that God is able and trying hard not to question Him or the results. For now, that’s all I know to do. Jesus said we would be able to do all He did and even greater things once the Holy Spirit came to live in us. One thing is for sure, after all the times I have prayed without seeing any visible results, when it does happen, I sure won’t be able to take the credit!
So…what do you believe? When you pray, do you automatically assume you will see answers, or do you pray as a matter of course…just because it’s what we are supposed to do? If you ask God to provide or bring healing, do you really expect to see results…either instantaneously or eventually? Or do you avoid prayers that require an apparent response of that nature because you don’t want to be disappointed? Are you willing to risk stepping out of your comfort zone if God calls you to do that? It’s worth thinking about...and praying about. What amazing work does God want you to be involved in with Him?
Prayer: Father God, I love You, praise You and thank You because You are the God of the impossible, and You are the God who heals us. You are the One who can heal every hurt, calm every storm, provide for every need, and move any mountain. You are El Shaddai, Almighty God. To think that I am Your child is beyond the realm of my capacity to understand, but I am eternally grateful for Your grace and love that make it so. I believe You still do miracles today and that You can work through anyone, even one as deeply flawed as I am. Holy Spirit, I ask in Jesus’ name that You would breathe Holy Fire into my heart, mind, body and soul, and burn away as chaff everything within me that is not of You. Tear down every stronghold, and reveal and destroy everything within me that would hinder Your will and Your work to be done, both in and through my life. I pray this now in the omnipotent power and authority of the blood of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, amen and amen. Thank You, Father! Thank You, my Lord, my God and my King! All praise, honor, glory and power to You now and forever more, amen!
“Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” John 14:12
“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?” Matthew 16:15
“When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. `Lord,’ he said, `my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.’ Jesus said to him, `Shall I come and heal him?’ The centurion replied, `Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.’ When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, `Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ Then Jesus said to the centurion, `Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.’ And his servant was healed at that moment.” Matthew 8:5-13